Yesterday, the NBA unveiled three new uniforms with a small advertisement in the corner. Feedback was mostly negative as fans felt like the league was messing with tradition. Ads on uniforms were inevitable but the look can still be jarring for many people. I think the biggest problem though is not the small ad logo themselves but the team they are supporting. GE sponsoring the Celtics just doesn’t evoke the spirit of Boston. Luckily, I have taken it upon myself to match up the team with the perfect sponsor.
Atlanta Hawks– TNT
Turner Media is based out of Atlanta so one of its affiliates makes sense to sponsor the Hawks. TNT is the definition of fine, like the Hawks, it plays reruns of Gladiator every week but other than that what do they really bring to the table.
Boston Celtics– Dunkin Donuts
No joke here, Boston people just love Dunkin Donuts. It’s like casual racism to them, it’s a part of their heritage and culture.
Brooklyn Nets– Svedka
Russian and owner and the team makes you want to drink.
Charlotte Hornets– Jordan Outlets
Michael Jordan is the owner of the team but the Hornets definitely don’t live up to the Jordan standard. The cool Jordan brand isn’t their sponsor, the cheap outlets in strip malls are.
Chicago Bulls– Adidas
Kanye is from Chicago and has recently teamed up with Adidas. He could add his homeless-chic fashion sense to designing new uniforms.
Cleveland Cavaliers– Nike
Speaking of Kanye, his line “Nike gave Lebron a billi not to walk away” is pretty accurate. Nike is undeniably great, like LeBron. Also, will make him look the so stylish when he is flopping to the ground.
Dallas Mavericks– Scrub Daddy
Classic cross promotion here. Mark Cuban is on Shark Tank, and Scrub Daddy is the most successful product to come out of the show.
Denver Nuggets– McDonalds
Get it!? Like Chicken McNuggets?
Detroit Pistons– BandAid
This is more a sponsor for the whole city of Detroit. Fix it.
Golden State Warriors– Apple
Super popular and everyone considers them the best. Basically just steals ideas and concepts from other brands though.
Houston Rockets– Nickelodeon
Reboot of Rocket Power on the way!!! (in my dreams)
Indiana Pacers– Sears
I feel like everyone in Indiana buys jeans from Sears. Midwest high fashion.
“Can I have a Coke?” “Is Pepsi okay?” “Sure…”
LA Lakers– Coca-Cola
Memphis Grizzlies– KFC
Have you tried the new KFC Nashville Hot Chicken?
Miami Heat– Tommy Bahama
The official shirt of the retired population in Florida.
Milwaukee Bucks– Chobani
Greek Freak meets Greek Yogurt.
Minnesota Timberwolves– Mall of America
Sadly Prince is dead and he was basically the only cool thing about Minnesota. Second most famous thing is a stupid giant mall.
New Orleans Pelicans– Gillette
Why would a razor blade company sponsor a team where their player is infamous for not shaving his eyebrow? Exactly.
New York Knicks– CBS
Such a popular network but are there actually any good shows on it? They are more focused on big names, even if they haven’t been relevant for years. Considered Honey Nut Cheerios but with Garnett out of the league the joke just isn’t as funny.
Oklahoma City Thunder– Energizer
Russell Westbrook plays like he’s on high voltage batteries.
Orlando Magic– Harry Potter World
The only reason why anyone would every go to Orlando anymore is to visit the new Harry Potter amusement park. The Magic should play in full robes on the court.
Philadelphia Sixers– Shirley Temples
Shirely Temples are Joel Embiids favorite drink and whatever he says goes.
Phoenix Suns– Oakleys
Sunglasses for the Suns. No one in Phoenix cares enough to bother getting a better sponsor. Not even the best brand of sunglasses. Does anyone actually like this team?
Portland Trail Blazers– Whole Foods
The crunchy granola, farm to table stores in Portland can’t afford to be a sponsor. Whole Foods with their enormously high prices definitely can afford it.
Sacramento Kings– Google
Proximity to headquarters and because you have to Google them members of the team to learn who plays for them.
San Antonio Spurs– Verizon
Toronto Raptors– Aunt Jemima
Canada = Maple Syrup
Utah Jazz– Subaru
The most typical white person car to own. Utah is basically filled with people who drive Subarus.
Washington Wizards– Trump
The current President of the United States made his fortune branding his name on everything imaginable. Trump Hotels, Trump Steaks, Trump Wizards. But he obviously won’t make money off the team because that would be a conflict of interest… right?